Nolleen's Nonsense

Nolleen Buckmaster has previously written two cookbooks and a collection of humorous stories. Her newest cookbook, “New Bride’s Blues”; is a how-to guide for clueless cooks and keepers of the home...it is interspersed with some of her best stories, recipes, housecleaning tips, and favorite quotations...this book may prove to be her best one yet!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Betty Crocker and the Apricot Brandy Hangover

Betty Crocker and the Apricot Brandy Hangover

The ladies at the Church Bake Off, were getting a little nervous. It was already 2 hours past the scheduled time for the guest speaker to arrive, and the judges were having a heated discussion with the organizers of the contest. Where was Betty? She was supposed to be here long before now. If she didn't show up soon.....more

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Desperate Beauty Tips

Desperate Beauty Tips

1. Never pluck all of your eyebrows. I promise you, that it does not matter if you helped paint the Sistine Chapel…you’ll never be able to draw on natural looking eyebrows. They will not be the same size. You might think the eyebrow pencil you’re using is medium brown. In direct sunlight, it’s ...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Cobweb Caper

The Cobweb Caper
I have spent all of my life looking down. Not because I am too shy to make eye contact with people or anything...it must be something I stepped in as a child. Something that traumatized me bad enough that I never want to do that again. Other people look around them, at all the pretty scenery. I’m checking out the grass, and watching out for what’s in the grass. I admire the flowers as they appear in my direct line of vision, but only if they are short flowers. I am a short woman. Eye level for me, doesn’t go that far up.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Farkel Family Home Entertainment

Farkel Family Home Entertainment

Such a deal it was, already. For only more money than the Farkel Family had seen in several months...a virtual theater in their den. With the exception of a popcorn machine and stinky bathrooms, it was just like a trip to the movies. Every night. Dolby Surround Sound. 36” screen...DVD player. Stereo system, with eight speakers. Two...count ‘em...Two, remote controls (Daddy Farkel knelt beside his recliner, and wept with joy over that one). They would never have to leave their house again, except to make nightly runs to the video store...and to pick up a good supply of snacks.

Friday, December 30, 2005

The New Bride's Cookbook

The New Bride's Cookbook

Is your wedding day fast approaching, and you are suddenly in a panic about being clueless in the kitchen? Do you wish you had paid more attention in Home Ec. class?
I designed a book for my daughters, with step by step instructions for preparing meals, shopping lists, laundry, and house cleaning. They loved it, and I hope you will too!!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Dumb Little Tips For People Who Have No Life

Peanut Butter will remove chewing gum from your hair. (Note: However your hair will smell like that dorky little kid who sat next to you in kindergarten . The one who ate paste and peeled all the paper off the crayons.)

Onions dipped in scalding water before peeling, will never cause the eyes to water. (Note: Not. Your eyes are going to water, no matter which one of the 5,000 ways to peel onions that you use. An onion, is an onion, is an onion, no matter how you slice it.)

To keep your electrical cords neater, take the cardboard tube from toilet tissue, wrap the tube with contact paper, fold your cords and insert them into the tube. You can also label these for each appliance. (Note: You need to get out more.)

To avoid calories, but to enjoy some good tasting brown gravy from roasts...place four ice cubes in the drippings after removing the meat. Stir until all the fat gathers on the ice cubes. Discard the ice and proceed to make gravy as usual. (Note: OR...Stand on one foot while eating the gravy...hop around the table 3 times while chanting, “Fat, Fat, Go Away...settle on that snotty stuck-up broad’s hips...you know, the one at the gym who rolls her eyes every time I show up for aerobics.”)

When you find yourself with overnight guests and not enough pillows; roll up a soft blanket and put it in a pillow case. They will scarcely know the difference. (Note: OR...Tell them the story about how the ghost that haunts your house has been known to suddenly appear next to the bed of strangers in the house...causing them to wet the bed. Tell them that you just don’t have that many sheets. You won’t even need to mention how short you are on pillows.)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Magnetized Resolutions

If you enjoy counted cross stitch projects, and still have good enough eyesight to do them, you might enjoy making refrigerator magnets with all of your New Years Resolutions cross stitched on them.
That way, by the time you get them all done, (if you start on them in July, you might finish them before New Years Day... assuming of course, that you don’t over-do it on the resolutions.) you can just trash the ones that don’t seem quite as important to you, as when you first started the project...or you can save them till next year...or just give a few away. Especially the one that says, “Lose 20 Pounds”, and has the little skinny woman cross stitched on it, wearing a spandex aerobic suit...that can go to your annoying fat neighbor. You can smile sweetly as you give it to her. “This is to hold your recipe card on the refrigerator while you cook. I hope the magnet is strong enough.” She will never ask you to baby-sit again.


Check out my new book, The New Bride's Cookbook!